Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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