Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
