Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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