maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
