I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize