Are we in a gay sports bar?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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