I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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