just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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