ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
