so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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