If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
