ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
