I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize