You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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