I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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