remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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