I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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