Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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