I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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