just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
