It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
