I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
