I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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