it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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