so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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