She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
