Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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