i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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