in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
