you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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