I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
