i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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