Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
