If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
