I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
