I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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