Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
