Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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