His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
