i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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