i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
