awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
