Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
