I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm at about main and main street
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
