My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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