I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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