at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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