why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
