Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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