I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
