i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
