she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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