Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
