In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
