I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
