I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize