My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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