Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
