I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
